I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
