I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
