I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
