yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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