Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
