Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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