is wine microwaveable?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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