I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
