Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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