My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize