I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
