i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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