Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
