whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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