BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
