Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
