Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
