Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
