Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
