I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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