when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
