funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
