Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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