arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
