I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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