meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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