Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
