i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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