he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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