dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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