if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
