I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
