hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize