Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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