Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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