You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Your penis caused this!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
