I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
