Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
