Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
