We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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