When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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