If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
