My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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