last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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