Pants 0. Shit 1.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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