Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize