His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize