my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Randomize
