does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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