I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
