i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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