His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
