When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she peed on how many people?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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