There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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