I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
