So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
