Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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