girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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