I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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