Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just tell him i said nine months
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
