Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
